Apparently an NHS dentist in Edinburgh is allowing Holyrood civil servants privileged access in registering for treatment. In other words, they get to jump the queue.

So apart from enormous salaries, subsidised lunches and regular trips back home to Surrey, what other perks can our nation’s civil servants expect? Not that they don’t deserve it, oh no...

• System of sedan chairs operating on a rota basis conveying Holyrood employees back to their New Town abodes. Mounted police on hand to horse-whip back any overly familiar street urchins, ill-dressed and reeking of lard. The street urchins that is, not the police.

• Triple time paid to staff forced to work late - premium kicks in at one minute past five o’clock.

• Air to be breathed in the Holyrood building piped in from alpine valleys. Only Swiss alpine valleys mind you, none of that Italian mountain air, it’s rubbish, smells of Italians.

• Free subscriptions to "What Port?" and "Grand Cru Gazette."

• High flying civil servants may use a secret rail tunnel that emerges inside the London departure lounge at Edinburgh Airport. Civil servants not up to scratch emerge inside the Magaluf departure lounge at Glasgow airport. At the beginning of The Fair, at 7.30am, it’s packed full of weegies and the bar’s been open for hours. Oh fuck.