David’s optimistic assessment of likely Tory fortunes in Scotland came after the Conservative Conference where mass grave openings across the Home Counties let loose legion upon legion of the dead, the nearly dead and the feeling a bit poorly to congregate at the seaside town groaning their animosity at all things foreign.

Apart from the usual ritual decrying of proper foreigners i.e. tides of dole-seeking illegal immigrants washing ashore at Dover, the conference this year was treated to innovative thinking, with Boris Johnson, national treasure and nut-job, questioning the acceptability of Gordon Brown as a future PM because he’s Scottish.

Holding his head in his hands, an ashen-faced Mr Mundell expressed a view that anyone with an ounce of sense had already held for bloody ages: "After this debacle, its quite clear that the Tory party is now, de facto, The English Nationalist Party. With all lip-service to the UK dumped, the prospect for Tory resurgence in Scotland has now vanished down the cludgie. I wonder if I should just go down the JobCentre now to save time later."

Leader of the Holyrood Tories, Annabel "comfortable shoes" Goldie also found the conference a distressing experience, telling The JT: "I was invited to the Scottish Bar-B-Q night only to find Tory activists from Penge roasting Scottish representatives on an open fire."