Speaking from the Baird's Bar annexe of the diocese, the spokesman explained: "while things are going well for the Hoops, the Archbishop has too much on his mind to bother making public pronoucements on real people's sexuality. As long as the Bhoys keep winning matches the Archbishop will be spending his waking hours praying for a continuous supply of holy intercessions to deliver The Double at a minimum. And can I just take this opportunity to thank Rangers for a hotly contested match and trust that their supporters will get it right up them."

Professor Beaker of the Department of Mumbo-Jumbo Studies at Edinburgh agrees that the club's success is likely to provide a welcome distraction:

"There's a clear correlation between Celtic's performance and the issuing of viciously myopic religious proclamations. Provided the Archbishop's got something to keep him occupied he's less likely to interfere in the lives of everyone else. Christ help us tho' if it all goes pear-shaped at Paradise."

God's spokesangel, Gabriel, confirmed to the JT that prayer traffic had increased from the Glasgow area but warned that celestial service providers would cut off heavy users who clog up the systems wittering on and bloody on about some bloody football team.