January
Early verdict on
2001: It's pish like, says
Bonnybridge resident.
Leading public figures - New Year messages exclusive!
Furry Boots Frolics!: Aberdeen goes quite literally mad in Hogmanay debauch.
Dubya victory, world dives for cover. SkyNeil to be advisor?
Festive TV Extra!: bonus week of party political broadcasts.
Seasonal rail problems continue: book early to avoid being eaten, operators advise.
Scots are fat bastards: shock finding - business pledges help.
Royal Bank warning: Buying kids with credit card raises deeply worrying issues to do with money.
Bannockburn: battle site latest
Politics, religion and tank shells tipped with fairy dust…
Rebranding: a special report.
St. Andrews housing crisis: ethnic cleansing "unfortunately necessary option."
St Johnstone Sacking Strategy: business guru delighted at handy drug-related downsizing
opportunity |
February
Roads contract stushie: "I don't know roads from shit", Minister
admits.
McLeish
proposals and commitments on wrinklies creates population explosion: Cruise liner docks at Leith.
Religious right to act on morning after pill: puberty to be delayed.
Scottish Opera: "magnificent performance" as squawking sopranos trouser £1m of other people's money.
Stalin's Granny?: Firm rebuttal from
St.Andrew's House.
Aliens
Five: "In Edinburgh you can
scream all you want, no one takes a blind bit of notice
Jaggy Thistle readership: inability to point and click a real worry says editor, threatens
ultimate sanction…
Scottish Executive position on elderly health care: confused and forgetful. |
March
Old Firm latest: clubs to develop first strike capability.
World stunned as celebrity couple split up: Kidman and Cruise also part.
Calls for Martin O'Neill's beatification premature, says Martin
O'Neill
Faslane:
police in change of tactics.
Black Isle GM
trial: local campaigners change their minds
MOD report: depleted
uranium shelling - potential tourist attraction.
SNP in crisis as John Swinney simply fades
away.
Outbreak of MOTG contained: it's safe to
turn on the TV again.
Scottish shite weather: "oops!"
Deity confesses to omnisciently-challenged balls up. |
April
Hague rallies party
faithful: many delegates
awake during his speech.
Compensation culture: Scottish Executive caves in.
Foot and Mouth disease latest: SRU call for cull of English Rugby Squad.
Heart Attack Central: It's all the fault of those blokes with horny helmets (ooh er missus etc)
Free nicotine patches : fag industry issues health warning
Bonanza:
Scottish tourist industry to grasp the opportunity of Foot and Mouth bonfires
It's War!: Scottish
Enterprise call up elite detachments to offer survival advice.
Craig Brown resigns: wants to spend more time on his piscine metaphors.
Heterosexuality expected to run riot as plans to promote gayness are quashed.
JT Exclusive!:
Minister for Miracles' speech to STUC!
Tourism
special! : Foot and Mouth won't put
me off says Alvin Alvinator. McLeish to seek Green card…
Poverty campaigners learn from agricultural industry: activists to launch "Food in Mouth"
campaign |
May
Henry and Wendy to
marry: exclusive interview and
pictures* of their hideaway love-nest…
Dylan
to play Stirling Castle: residents
of local nursing homes not to be told "excitement might kill them" say concerned
staff.
God's diary full : no plans to visit Paradise.
New Washington posting : top prize in Scottish Enterprise draw.
VisitScotland announce this week's new new chief executive.
It's Official!: Dounreay's safe as houses. |
June
Election date unfair,
claim Scottish Tories.
FMD in Scotland: outbreak contained: surviving farm animals express relief.
Scottish Parliament cost overruns: Roy Rogers explains.
Tims Triumph at Hampden: O'Neill immediately taken up, Cardinal Winning to appeal.
Cholesterol drugs demanded by medics and fat greedy bastards.
Miguel in North Britain: Portillo confesses to "youthful experiments."
Free money ahoy!: EastCoasters interested? Do bears wear red hats?
Polis to lift
driving drug users - altho' testing
may prove problematic.
Scottish Tories take heart at new opinion poll finding.
Hague resigns, Swinney resigned, Kennedy recumbent.
Cook bravely accepts challenge of new "job": plans urgent review of nation's mop procurement
policy.
BBC Drama latest : new show not at all like Monarch of the Glen shock.
Key failing
identified in RAF offensive capability. |
July
US arms dealer to offer Scotland free trial membership of Nato: "Hell, for sure, why not?" asserts
President Bush.
Health Service recruitment crisis: Executive make novel use of émigré English teachers.
Scottish Enterprise just miss meeting new business creation
target.
Scottish Parliament latest: blank cheque strategy receives backing.
Michael "Mikey" Ancram retires from public life.
Moray based holding facility for toff sprogs actually good at
something: shock finding.
No Nessie scare: Eyetie boffin confesses -"I made it all up, please don't hurt my
family"
Let joy be unconfined: ER promises Scottish visit.
Fag ban on Virgin trains - nicotine addicts face agonising
withdrawal on "express" services.
Abbreviation special!: HRH denies marriage problems - Edinburgh police deny use of ARU,
CMDR denies everything…
Comic Cuts at Camp Zeist: JT world exclusive. |
August
Cruel quacks call
for contraceptive conscripts:
entire male population of Scotland head for hills.
Clydeside job crisis - Destroyers too difficult to destroy says MOD.
Mikey Ancram in comeback tour.
Chib chucked as prom nite school nixes Hix.
Sarah's pregnancy diary - exclusive, heart warming, moody, sick, tired all the
time etc.
"What does that button do?" Comic mishaps at nuclear power stations
"nothing to worry about" says man very far away.
Airfare Warfare hots up - new player on Scotland-Dublin routes.
"Isn't she marvellous for her age?": Visitors at Glamis quick to agree (or else).
Cambridge scientist addresses Strathclyde plenary session on
focussed use of solar energy.
City status challenge: Bonnybridge a late contender?
Sighthill Special: resident asks: "Whit's foreign for get me the fuck out of here?" |
September
"Anything worrying you at all?" : heartbreaking
investigation into completely trivial concerns of Edinburgh residents.
World first! : Advertisement in the JT.
"You're not from 'round these parts are you?" :
Eaglesham protest at wind farm proposal.
Ryder Cup Bid:
Scots say "we're really, really sorry"
"Oh right, I see, that explains it"- expose of crook control of security industry solves
shopping centre riddle
SQA Sums Slammed in Something or Other Beginning with "S"
Stooshie.
Time Capsule Terror! : educational experiment goes wrong
Great Big Jessie Bust Up as Scottish Ballet re-invents itself
(again). |
October
IDS tells
Scottish Tories:"I'm an Ein Volk Conservative"- local activists tell him he'll have to speak up…
Erskine Bridge to play leading role in health rationing.
Free school meals proposal: move would destroy delicate ecology warns lard industry
spokestub
Mad cow may have caused spread of mad cow disease, possibly.
Stonehaven fraud case: storm brews over spending allegations.
Scottish Parliament vote to ban hunting despite Wright threat.
Free inside! Normality patch for Douglas Alexander v.1 |
November
Ardent moves to
St.Andrews
Lovely Wills to have unfair advantage?
IKEA frenzy as new store opens its doors, doors fall off.
Travels with my
Teletext - being an account of the author's attempt to book a holiday via the
medium of the telly.
Ibrox insult:
Bush promises action.
Inverness in culture bid: the end of satire?
Oh Henry! What are you like?
US bombing "slightly off target" : CalMac to sue.
Unidentified White Powder scare at top nite spot.
"Whoop de fuckin' doop"- Scots fans overjoyed as TV secures World Cup Deal!
JT Exclusive: Coen Brothers masterpiece "The man who wasn't all there."
Abroad is a dangerous
place, Tourism Minister
asserts…
Save our kids
from this drug menace! : The JT
launches campaign on unforeseen consequences of hash let up. |
December
Helen
in warning to Scottish Labour: "I
won't be voting…."
Newsnight Scotland - Officegate provides rating boost.
Scottish Cultural Icon Under Threat!
Quick, Fatima button up your burka! : That man Craig's heading for Saudi!
Scottish Parliament policy shift - New First Minister will use inaugural speech to
resign
Opposition leaders admit to trouser-troubling thoughts.
Wendy: I'm
so sorry.
Cancer clinic
cock up continues: wrong people
resign …again
McLean: "I will take control of DUFC - inshallah."
"And you lot can just fuck off as well": New FM in heartwarming consensual
commitment…
Lovelorn Lassies locate to Lerwick: local sheep said to be devastated.
"Will you take a cheque?" Expenses oversight spotted just in time.
"An end to cronyism": Jack's Mum tells waiting press.
Dorothy to resign: a nation mourns. |
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