January
Kennedy marriage:
legal problems emerge.
Waverley wash and brush up: new rail money to improve the waiting passenger experience.
Underage drinking shock: Father said to be devastated
Worry grows over new archbishop: is he a closet hun? |
February
New
Edinburgh Academy exam:
"Conjugate the verb ‘To smoke hash’"
McLaren bids nostalgic, tourettic farewell to rugby.
The Queen! God Bless her: an open letter from the editor
Euro Bid rethink: new partner exclusive
Sarwar, Marshall missing after meeting with George Galloway.
"Well,
it's traditional isn’t it?" : dislike flares as twats trot thru’ town.
"I’m telling Mum": sibling stramash spoils supersonic sky sortie. |
March
McLeish Crisis: Labour Party pay for holiday.
Swinney: "SNP
must appeal more to women"- police called, charges may follow
BOLLOCKS:
Boffins identify root of male crabbitness.
"There can be only one": Bertie in hilarious name mix up.
"Oh, now I get it." : IDS admits to Easterhouse conversion.
Retailer to be sued: "the drugs are pish like."
It's Citytastic! "Stirling a beacon of hope in a troubled world" claims Lord Provost
before going for a lie down. |
April
"Pipes not pints": semantic mix up wrecks NYC Tartan Day.
"You will enjoy yourselves" : Tommy plans summer of fun.
Remaining Windsors on full alert: lucky white heather airlifted to Balmoral.
Beckham tragedy: Deity is distraught.
Second runway at Edinburgh Airport: part of city’s new "Social exclusion" strategy?
One for the Laydeez: not a dry seat in the house as gorgeous Lib-Dem duo wow
conference.
Scottish Enterprise Chief Exec hails "risk free"
entrepreneurship
Motherwell goes tits up: SPL revamp put on hold.
"You’re all moaning gets": Swinney kicks off phase two of SNP election strategy
Margo in measured response to Swinney attack: "Fuck off you speccy twat."
Polis
endorse right to strike: invent
self-lifting picket.
See Spot Run! See Wendy and Dorothy resign! See Jack and John laugh like drains
Cheap ethnic stereotyping ahoy as new ferry heads off in a Zeebruggish direction.
Media shy Phil in Whacky Wallace Let-off! |
May
Benefit
Officers raid Holyrood: dole
fiddlers arrested, JT editor apologises in advance.
Completely apropos of nothing : great national anthems of the world.
"A School on every corner": Tory in well thought through faith school
initiative.
It's official! : Lime green is the new black! |
June
SNP soccer session
spoiled by speccy strongman :"who
is that?" ask bemused footie fans.
Whoops! Up your kilt missus etc - it's Helen and Anne!
Scots Tories revamp voting system : introduce one loony, one vote.
Scottish experts predict: vague sense of unease to continue.
Lazy get syndrome : Government to appoint Tsar Tsar.
"The games are helluva early...ken" : Bonnybridge resident still doesn’t get it.
English celebrations marred by painfully placed trumpet. |
July
Art imitates life or
something when it comes to glowing things, report finds.
"What the fuck’s that?": Scots ask as great
flaming ball appears in sky.
£7.2m ad bill: "It's an arts subsidy" minister
explains.
Scots foxes concern over "swamping."
Yet another "booze is bad" report : we ask, is Scotland becoming addicted to reports?
HMS Scotsman "not sinking", curiously coiffured Captain in Chief asserts in
poorly executed maritime metaphor.
Mrs Tigglywinkle Terror! : Navy offers to help. (Arran ferry cancelled in precautionary
measure.)
Edinburgh MP promises Glasgow will not lose out : hollow laughter heard echoing along M8.
HRH ensures that new national park opens with a bang.
"Country Life" Panel wins JT award.
"How does she get in that wee box?" : Virtual Newsreader flummoxes MSPs
Get ready to grumble! : Wee Frees square off in Godless Mammon stushie! |
August
Shettleston
Soaking : Residents are fucked
basically - an official spokesbastard helpfully explains.
Tourism initiative : plans for WatterWurld put on hold.
CCTV in Fife: scientists seek answer to ultimate question.
Hibs boss confesses: "I believe in God and the only thing that scares me is Frank
Sauzee."
"Connect reactor part A to coolant system part B with
glue provided" : Nuclear
reactor kit to replace Hunterston.
"Come on Cammy old thing, smile for the camera" :
Charles in completely (ahem)
spontaneous gesture.
Exam Fiasco v.O8.2OO2 : "nothing to do with us, thank fuck"- SQA.
New Principal
to change Yooni admission procedures : warns against incursion of oiks.
"24"
Finale: will granny live ‘til the end?
Don’t panic! : Health authorities insist return of Black Death an "isolated
outbreak."
Jo-burg
stunned as Milngavie speaker makes heartfelt plea for manky water.
Edinburgh’s Hogmanay party in doubt : Glasgow MSPs deny ill-mannered sniggering.
Old Firm unites in condemning sectarianism.
"Scottish Enterprise - Black Ops Central":
exclusive extracts from Tom
Clancy’s new blockbuster |
September
Nuclear
Blackmail! : Threat comes from
completely suprising source…
Scots on the box: "Still Game" BBC Scotland, 9.30pm Fridays.
Mike
Watson latest : "It wasn’t me, it was someone else."
"Ok-la-homa!
Where the dumdee dumdee dum dee dum…"
New airport for Airth or is it Slamannan?: proposal presents safety concerns officials claim.
Little known urban group moves into empty country for the
day.
Fingerprints? Shmingerprints! : Justice minister to promote new art form.
"Wish
me luck as you wave me goodbye!": SNP supremo in emotional farewell speech.
"Thank
you for your letter- now away and work.": Scottish Executive respond to Prince Charles. |
October
West Coast Rail link: Virgin trains re-think rolling stock requirement.
£300m gap
in funding Weegie hooses rationally
explained.
"Sgt
Jack McConnell, RCMP":
exclusive extracts from his big-hatted biography.
St.Andrews
student finds "women" a difficult concept.
(Not) Scots on the box. BBC 1, Wednesday 7.30pm, England v. Macedonia.
That (ahem) "missing money": an economist explains.
Veggie
scran on the menu at Pittodrie : discerning
carnivores also to be catered for.
That £33m
Stagecoach loss : Deity confesses
"I did it for a laugh."
Spoon molesting psychic flees Scotland.
"Bada-Bing Big Man!" |
November
Mobile
Jobcentre strategy: welcome boost
for the defence industry.
Church of Scotland accused of sexism : "well, duhr…" Church responds.
Glasgow
underground crisis : it’s
going to run like orange clockwork, management insist.
McConnell calls upon Party to reject sin, embrace virtue.
"My vice shame": TV’s "girl next door" tells all to JT.
MacAskill
in new bid to head SNP’s surrealism strategy.
"You wot, You wot?" : Simon Schama in measured response to celtically-gifted academic
critics.
The Jaggy Thistle : a correction.
"Right hand down a bit, down a bit. Oh Christ, Ooops - OK, reverse…"
SkyNeil
tells humans: "Resistance is
futile".
Needless fuss about global warming will spoil our view : asserts not at all Nimby Jeremy.
JT Exclusive! Extracts from a new sci-fi epic possibly written by that beardy Iain M Banks bloke.
Firefighters crisis : McConnell sends strongly worded postcard. |
December
Chisolm
in rebuff to Hep C sufferers : "They’re
in the wrong occupational group."
Euro K.B.: six years of recriminations kicks off.
Conti counterblast! : Secular schools would result in reduction in mumbo-jumbo input.
"Carry on waving": FM in firm stand against
bigotry.
Park Authority in world record attempt.
Pointless waste of time now marginally less pointless : St.Andrews stooshie over pish easy par four.
Given in evidence : Arresting Officer’s report.
Ex-pat OAP claims no-one listens to him.
No Foot and Mouth on farm : "thank fuck for that" moos relieved bullock.
Dr Simpson’s cursebook : new 3-in-1 psychological condition identified. |
| New
news Recent news Old news 2000 Old news
2001 Contact |
|
|
