Minister admits : Arts report boring, failed to engage, gave up after the first chapter.
With the Arts world in Scotland left reeling this week when the Scottish Executive failed to come up with the squillions of
dosh demanded, the minister responsible admitted to the JT that she’d given up reading the initial report.
more>>

£60K buys a "welcome break from scruff"- Lady Provost asserts.
With news this week that the Lady Provost of Glasgow has managed to burn through sixty thousand of your earth pounds
in travel expenses in the last 9 months, said lady provost has hit back at ill-informed media claims that she was taking the piss.
more>>

Bish identifies totally unexpected new weapon.
The Bishop of Motherwell (there is one apparently) this week called on The Church in Scotland to "stop cowering before the
government".
more>>

Irish scientists reconstruct "Gadgie man"
As Dundee-based academics celebrated reconstructing the face of an Iron-Age man found in an Irish peat bog, academics
from the University of Cork celebrated reconstructing the face of Gadgie Man
more>>

He’s behind you!": George makes bid to extend panto season. Party members finally get the
joke...
As the traditional panto season begins to wind down, George Galloway, renegade politician, rebel without a fringe and
self-admitted fanny magnet has bravely become a contestant on C4’s Celebrity Big Brother.
more>>

Celtic inquiry to look for overly-complicated reason.
It's red necks all round at Parkheid this week following footage of a Donegal Hotel function where bhoys Messrs Pearson
and Hartson are seen warbling "The Fields of Athenry" to an crowd accompaniment consisting mainly of the shouted letters
"I", "R" and "A".
more>>

Kennedy to write political memoirs : "may need help filling in the gaps", ex-leader concedes.
After a bruising week in which he first admitted to alcoholism and then resigned as party leader, ex-Lib-Dem leader, Charles
Kennedy issued a heartfelt plea to the wider political world this week
more>>

Scots on the Box, "Rebus", ITV1, January 2^nd 2006 and not Scots on the Box, "Sweeney Todd",
BBC1, January, 3^rd 2006.
Two very different crime stories on the box last week, have a guess which one I can’t get out of my head?
more>>

Scots on the Box: Us 18 Them 12. "The IT Crowd", C4, Fridays
Ah-ha, I bet you think I’m going to gloat don’t you?
more>>

Up you could not make it etc.
The management at the new National Theatre of Scotland (NTS) are wasting no time in planning to introduce radical and
challenging new playwriting to new audiences - the problem is the audiences are in the States!
more>>

Part-time dying for your country option offered
Great news this week courtesy of the Ministry of Defence - free money!
more>>

It's Official! Weegiewurld is tea’s oot city!
Depressing news if you’re a weegie this week, and depressing news if you’re a weegie the rest of the time.
more>>

Gallie to bore on European stage.
Tory MSP Phil Gallie announced this week to a stunned world his intention to leave Holyrood and stand for election to
the European parliament.
more>>

Edinburgh Chimps say thanks but no thanks.
The news that Edinburgh Zoo is to spend 5m quid on a new chimps' enclosure has been met with ingratitude from at least
one quarter - the chimps themselves.
more>>

Darling insists: "Only Labour has courage to take difficult, daft decisions."
Left reeling after the Lib-Dems’ recent shock victory in Broon’s Fiefdom of Fife, Scottish Secretary Alastair "Move over"
Darling, told Scottish Labour delegates this  weekend that only the Labour Government had the courage to take difficult,
daft decisions.
more>>

Launch of HMS "Daring": Reid hints at further completely pointless compensatory metaphors
to come.
The Clyde was Ahoy Matey central this week as workers and locals gathered to watch £605m worth of metaphor slide into
the Clyde.
more>>

Sammy suicide: tragic death to have "definitely nothing to do with us" bailiffs predict
River bailiffs seeking to capture "Sammy" the seal confirmed to The JT that they fully expect to find Sammy’s body later this
week, or the week after at the latest.
more>>

It's Farm-tastic! Free money scheme a sure fire winner!
The news this week that the Executive is to dole out £326m of your earth pounds in (ahem) "support" to Scotland’s (ahem)
"family" farms has been welcomed by right-thinking people the length and breadth of this our own, our native land.
more>>

New Crime Agency plans in doubt: too many letters will spoil look of cool jacket, experts
predict.
Plans to expand the remit of the style Scottish Drugs Enforcement Agency were thrown into doubt this week as clothing
experts questioned the design implications of adding more letters to the existing name.
more>>

It's Armageddon! It's bloody Brian May!
In what was being widely seen as a significant ramping up of inter-species relations this week, campaigners against the Uist
hedgehog cull have enlisted the help of centenarian corkscrew-haired plank-spanker Brian May!
more>>

Holyrood building on course to fall to bits.
As the beam saga continues to produce beamers, Holyrood heid jannie George Reid confirmed this week that for once, the
progress of the troubled building is now right on track.
more>>

"Why I am right and you are a bunch of bastards."
Displaying that sense of decorum and measured debate that has made Dr John Reid a byword in ex-tankie thuggery, the
Minister for Defence was at it again this week on two fronts. Berating demonstrators against the war in Iraq for not protesting
against terrorism. (er, ok, we’ll let that one go, far too obvious), and insisting against all the evidence that Iraq is not now in a
state of civil war.
more>>

Busted! Reid apologies to Lanarkshire
Defence minister John Reid issued a heartfelt apology to his Lanarkshire constituents when police discovered cannabis at his
erstwhile home.
more>>

Scots drinkers reach new, pissed, equilibrium as smoking ban bites.
Six weeks into the smoking embargo affecting the nation’s howffs, and publicans report that drink sales have increased despite
the nae-nicotine rule.
more>>

Your Fifa World Cup cut-out-and-keep etc.
In keeping with the new sense of cultural maturity that apparently now pervades every pore of Scotland’s body politic, your
editor originally had no intention of repeating the frankly small-minded and grudging coverage of England’s ultimately successful
participation in the RWC of 2003.
more>>

"BBC poll finds 67% of Scots to support England in World Cup." Er, hang on, that can’t be right...
No honestly, according to a poll of 500 Scots, well over half of those surveyed will be backing England in the World Cup. That
can’t be right can it? I mean there must be a rational explanation for this, like:
more>>

Turf’s up! Don’t stare at the hair.
Gazillion, banillionaire Donald Trump announced a multi-million dollar golf investment in Aberdeen this week, and no-one
listened to a word he said…
more>>

Colour blind Scottish Enterprise managers to get free eye test.
In what is being seen as an implied rebuke, Scottish Enterprise Managers are to receive free eye tests.
more>>

Hame’ll dae us.
For some unaccountable reason, the World Cup seems to be going ahead this year without the presence of Scotland. Again.
In an occasional series, The JT looks at what fellow inmates of the land we are proud to call Scot will be doing tofill in the time
before England gets knocked ot and we can all relax.
more>>

Call for ARU in Fife premature say locals.
There were calls this week for Fife polis to form an "Armed Response Unit" in the face of burgeoning armed crime in the
Wild East.
more>>

The naked rambler: the spiritual journey continues...
Naked rambler Stephen Gough was at it again this week, stripping off on a plane in flight between Southampton and Edinburgh.
more>>

It's Isotope-tastic! Scotland to head nuclear waste league and there’s more to come!
Wha’s like us when it comes to nuclear waste? Gey few and they’re all developing suspicious haematomas!
more>>

Scots and Not Scots on The Box: Gretna’s Field of Dreams, BBC 2 Scotland, Feel The Force,
BBC 2, The Street BBC1.
Sorry if you think this bit is suffused with the odour of unwashed socks that have been left undisturbed under the bed for a
month but I have got an excuse for reviewing: (a) a two-part doc with the denouement overtaken by events (b) a not at all
Scottish drama that points up the utter paucity of our local output and (c) a show, that with any luck, will have been humanely
illed off by the time you read this.
more>>

RBS Fraud:  tea money found to be £21m short
In the week when a Royal Bank of Scotland employee was found guilty of diddling £21m of your earth pounds from his employer, the JT can now exclusively reveal how the huckling happened.
more>>

Fingerprint scandal: MSPs to take lessons in looking like they understand what’s going on
As the Shirley McKie fingerprint scandal rumbles on, fingerprint experts from around the world descended on Holyrood this
week to give evidence to a high-powered committee of MSPs, creating presentational difficulties for the elected members.
more>>

England’s World Cup campaign: concern moves from Rooney’s foot to Eriksson’s bawbag
As our cousins’ stately progress to attaining the international soccer prize they so richly deserve continues, concerns over
Wayne Rooney’s  metatarsal has been replaced by fear for manager’s Sven Eriksson’s  testicles.
more>>

Editorial
Those scant few JT readers who can actually be bothered sampling the delights of the site on a weekly basis might have noticed a few, er, changes apparent during this very week. In the nature of things I was only alerted to the changes by a few puzzled emails from readers whose enquiry took the following rough form : where’s the JT gone?
more>>

The Trident Debate : Broonie in heartfelt promise to the starving millions
Labour party leader in waiting Gordon Brown intervened in the debate this week on whether we should spend 25 billion of your earth pounds on renewing the UK’s (ahem) "independent" noocular deterrent.
more>>

Scots on the box. "The Supreme Sacrifice" BBC 2 Scotland, 29 June 2006
The relationship between fitba, life and death was thrown into rather sharp focus for me this week through watching "The Supreme Sacrifice" a measured and dignified look at one instance of the pals battalion syndrome of the (ahem) "Great War".
more>>

Property market in Dundee booms : increase in cash sales likely
The estate agent handling the sale of ten flats pre-enjoyed by a Dundee drug dealer is already reporting strong interest in the seized properties.
more>>

Toys thrown out of pram closely followed by picking up ball and no’ playin’ : SSP to split.
With the world’s attention unaccountably diverted by people getting blown to bits in the Middle East, the entertaining soap opera that is the future of The SSP continues apace.
more>>

And step one, two, three, four, and sweat profusely while praying for the music to stop, two, three, four.
Your editor went to a ceilidh a few weeks back. For those readers not blessed with Scottish DNA, a ceilidh is basically a celebration of Scottish traditional music. Celebrated, that is, by participants prancing around in a circle for hours on end at 100mph while screaming and thinking you’re going to die if the music doesn’t stop soon. The circumstances leading to this occasion need not detain us here, but basically it all derived from the visit to this, his native land, by George fae Ontario avec his wife and kids.
more>>

Scottish Executive booze policy : in denial, claims boffin
With the Executive‘s alcohol control policy in seeming disarray, top booze boffin Professor Minesalargeyin claimed this week that the government is in denial.
more>>

Oh Lordy!
OK, everyone keep calm, it’s probably only a rumour,but according to the Scotland on Sunday rag, there are moves afoot to huckle FM Jack out of office if things go a bit pear-shaped for Labour at the next Holyrood election.
more>>

It’s the movie everyone’s talking about!
Starring John Reid and Douglas Alexander! Two men on a mission to combat terrorism!
more>>

Editorial
I’m totally made up this week, chuckle chums. Allow me to elucidate.
more>>

Sheridan Shocker! : JT locates human being that he didn’t have sex with (allegedly)
During a week of further shock revelations about the sex life of SSP MSP Tommy Sheridan, the JT can exclusively reveal the identity of the one remaining human being with a pulse that the tawny Trot hasn’t done it with (allegedly).
more>>

Bigotry summit : confirms "seen to be doing something" strategy
It’s Scotland’s not-so-secret shame, it’s the celtic cultural current that gives the rest of us a pure reddy, it’s the longest-running show in town, yes, it’s sectarian bigotry!
more>>

Six degrees of Comrade Tommy
Actually, it’s not really that Kevin Bacon relational thing. I couldn’t make that work, but I kept the headline because it’s cool. Nope, it’s just the usual practice around JT Mansions of making any excuse to recycle old gags.
more>>

Elderly woman and family to enjoy trip of a lifetime! And we’re helping pay for it!
The sound of rejoicing could be heard the length and breadth of this, our own, our native land on the news that an elderly woman and her family are to enjoy a trip around The Western Isles.
more>>

September 2006

Big, red and throbbing...
Yes, let’s face it, fire engines are pretty butch . But it’s a pity that firefighters from Coo-caddens objected to handing out fire safety leaflets on a gay pride march in Glasgow earlier this year on "moral grounds."
more>>

Trot tantrums : great boost for hotel sector, report finds.
With one Glasgow hotel enjoying record business last weekend as both sides in the SSP split booked the place out, sector sources are predicting a big increase in business volumes in this little exploited market.
more>>

Glasgow in running to host major exercise in redistribution of income.
Place your bets mesdames et m’sieurs as Glasgow heads into the playoff in the bid to host the UK’s mooted "super casino".
more>>

October 2006

Cardinal ensures Church hits record high in pissing off everyone
Attractively-costumed cleric Archbishop Keith No Brain rounded off a record month for pissing people off by demanding that muslims apologise for the attacks of 9/11 and 7/7.
more>>

Go on, you deserve it
Truly, up you could not make it. Apparently an NHS dentist in Edinburgh is allowing Holyrood civil servants privileged access in registering for treatment. In other words, they get to jump the queue.
more>>

Bird Charity blowing up trees : birds, like, totally freaked
In a well-thought-out move, Scotland’s premier bird charity, The Royal Society For Being Nice To Birds or something, launched a campaign this week to make the age-old Caledonian Forest more amenable to birdlife - by blowing up trees.
more>>

JESUS, CHRIST ALMIGHTY!
Scotland:1  France :Nane

Infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me
The gone but not forgotten shade of Kenneth Williams arose unbidden this week, when ex-SSP leader, Tommy Sheridan told a stunned mullet group of Solidarity activists in Dundee that the latest revelations about his private life was all part of a plot.
more>>

Breast research fails to reach obvious, salacious, conclusion
Top brainboxes at Edinburgh Yooni this week revealed that there is no evidence that breast milk fed babies are any brighter than other sprogs.
more>>

Mundell ‘s assessment of Tory Conference - "we’re fucked"
After a tremendously successful convocation of zombies at Bournemouth, David Mundell , sole Tory MP in Scotland, told the JT : "We’re fucked."
more>>

Pelican in peril to be left to own devices : "It’ll be OK , probably" says bird bloke
Plans to rescue a pelican that ended up on the River Tay earlier this week have been scrapped.
more>>

David Cameron speaks to the (English) Nation
"English ignorance of Scotland is damaging the union, according to the UK Conservative leader David Cameron." BBC News Online, 15^th September 2006.
more>>

Dominick Didnae : heart-warming story of how bottling it turned into spiritual, financial opportunity
Media (ahem) "personality" Dominick Diamond revealed this week how a crisis of faith had led to spiritual and financial reward.
more>>

Scots on the Box: "Low Winter Sun", Thursday 9.00pm. "Legit", BBC1 Scotland, Friday 10.35pm
As all right-thinking JT readers are no doubt sick of being told, I’m a big fan of crime fiction whether written in a book or rendered as moving pictures on the screen.
more>>

November 2006

MSPs in fruitless quest to appeal to Bank’s conscience
In a touching demonstration of why our MSPs shouldn’t be let out on their own, they appealed this week to HBOS, the bank at the centre of The Farepak fiasco.
more>>

Harrison decision makes medical sense as long as you don’t think about it too hard
Mad as a monkey boxer Scott Harrison received the go-ahead from medics this week to defend his WBO title in December.
more>>

Wicker man legs stolen : "it's a good start" say lovers of movies
Lovers of good movies expressed tentative delight this week when news came that the legs of The Wicker Man have been stolen from Borrowhead in Dumfries and Galloway. The original structure formed the main thirty foot high prop used in the 1970s film of the same name.
more>>

JT Editor proclaims definitive ruling in Bird for Scotland debate
Mainly, it would appear, because they’ve got nothing better to do, the great and the good of this our own etc. have been discussing what bird should feature as the national bird for Scotland.
more>>

Holyrood invites new group to booze bash
Faced with a burgeoning booze-related health pandemic, the Executive acted swiftly this week to counter the problem - by setting up another study group.
more>>

Palestinian flag, picture of the Pope : work that one out
The Middle East conflict came to Ibrox this week, when a protestor ran onto the pitch during the Huns versus Maccabi Haifa game to protest Israeli oppression of the Palestinian people.
more>>

December 2006

Your editor’s guide to the New Year
The turn of the year beckons and it’s traditional, as a dearth of news looms, for hacks to fill vacant column 
inches with predictions for the coming year.
more>>

MSPs in fruitless quest to appeal to Bank’s conscience
In a touching demonstration of why our MSPs shouldn’t be let out on their own, they appealed this week to HBOS, the bank at the centre of The Farepak fiasco.
more>>

Harrison decision makes medical sense as long as you don’t think about it too hard
Mad as a monkey boxer Scott Harrison received the go-ahead from medics this week to defend his WBO title in December.
more>>

Wicker man legs stolen : "it's a good start" say lovers of movies
Lovers of good movies expressed tentative delight this week when news came that the legs of The Wicker Man have been stolen from Borrowhead in Dumfries and Galloway. The original structure formed the main thirty foot high prop used in the 1970s film of the same name.
more>>

New news   Recent news    Contact