| Following the government's decision
last week to make nicotine patches free on the NHS, the tobacco community has been quick
to react, warning of possible health dangers. Speaking
from his luxury yacht moored off Antigua, a spokesbutt told the JT "The government
may be exploiting the fact that the majority of our customers are stupid, poor, and
easily-led, by promoting these patches which are potentially harmful." He went
on, "As responsible producers of a tried and tested nicotine delivery system, i.e. a
lighter and a packet of twenty, we would be failing in our duty to our loyal customers if
we didn't point out the pitfalls of new-fangled things like patches."
In particular there is concern that the adhesive used to
stick the patch on might be too strong. "On removal of the patch, great pain
could be caused to hairy areas of the arm, with residual stinging and unsightly redness
resulting for up to 10 seconds or more." |
Pausing only to savour the
attentions of an especially pliant and adventurous local minx, the spokesbutt tearfully
appealed to the government to reverse the decision. "£12 a month for patches,
£4 a day for 20 fags - it's patently unfair competition. A lot of multinatioanl
tobacco companies could go out of business - if it wasn't for the fact that there are
still hundreds of millions of people in the Third World whose lungs are available for
profitable use." In any case, the domestic
industry has signalled its intention to present a claim for compensation for loss of
earnings. Top city law firm Brassneck Associates will begin working on the claim
after submitting pleas on behalf of the farmers, fishermen and anyone else who happens to
think the world owes them a living. |
