| Deputy Tory leader, Michael
Portillo was in Edinburgh last week to launch the party manifesto and confessed to party
activists that he had experimented as a younger man. "I
did, I must confess, experiment with humanity as a young man, but can I tell you now that
I fully embrace the undead nature of the Tory party and my heart no longer beats yet I
still walk the earth as you do."
Scottish party activists reacted favourably to the news.
Youth organiser, Hector McBigot, 94, told the JT: "We can forgive Michael his
youthful flirtation with humanity as long as he's not a shirt lifter."
Mr Portillo concluded the meeting with a call to other
parties in the election not to play "The humanity card" as Tories were people
too, albeit undead people.
Elsewhere, leader until 8th June, William Hague
laid out the Tory policy on asylum seekers, "they'll be held in grim soulless
dormitory conditions with no hope of advancement or escape. That'll learn them for being
foreign." |
In other party news, Ms Helen
Liddell launched the Scottish Labour Party manifesto and laughed off media criticism of
her Stalinist style. "It’s a load of rubbish to talk that way, we live in a
liberal democracy" she told waiting press men before handing out advance notice of
voting results in Scottish constituencies. "It's tidier that way" she explained,
"if we know the result in advance." SSP
leader Tommy Sheridan spoke movingly of his party's aspirations in the forthcoming
election, "We will speak for the poor, the disenfranchised, the desperate, the
alienated, the peely wally."
If elected the SSP intend to nationalise sunbed production
making the joyous benefits of intense ultraviolet radiation free to all.
Laid back Liberal leader Charles Kennedy promised to issue
an election manifesto just as soon as he can get around to it but admitted that he
couldn't be gassed with it at the minute. |
