| With the sound of pealing bells
across the land barely stilled after the Queen Mum's 100th Birthday
celebrations, news came today of a shock finding from Edinburgh University's Department of
Carbon Dating Studies. In an exclusive interview with The JT, head boffin Professor Beaker
revealed that the mildewed matriarch is undergoing profound chemical changes, metabolising
human tissue into copper. "It's
obvious" said Professor Beaker, you only need to look at the colour of her teeth.
That shade of green. Don't tell me that's not verdigris." The agitated academic went
on to explain the profound implications of this strange metamorphosis, "The Queen Mum
will, quite literally, live for ever, gradually developing a greenish tinge all over,
spookily imitating the green boalk-coloured Hartnell creations so beloved by the
Windsors." |
The Professor predicts that far
into the future, as the universe folds into itself and all life everywhere is
extinguished, she'll still be around, waiting in vain for someone to mix her gin and
tonic, iron her copy of Debrett's Punting for Royalty and hand her another bunch of bloody
flowers. As a grateful Scottish peasantry put
away their royalty-pleasing Harry Lauder outfits, cheery cockney archetypes, bedecked in
highly amusing Union Jack themed baseball caps were being safely stored away by the BBC
and ITV news departments into special "The Queen Mum, Gawd Bless 'er" holding
pens. To be wheeled out again the next time the media needs to convince the rest of us
that the Windsors are really nice. |
