railproblems

Seasonal rail problems continue: book early to avoid being eaten, operators advise.
As the UK rail network continues to experience lengthy delays, operators are advising Scots planning to travel south over the festive season to book ahead. While welcoming the awarding of lucrative money for old rope franchises, the private rail operators are expressing some frustration at actually being asked to provide services in return for enormous scads of public cash provided. An industry representative told the JT, "After all my years working in the merchant banking system, I never thought when we took over the rail network that people would actually expect to use the trains. It's knocked our return on investment projections sideways I can tell you." The need to book ahead was graphically illustrated with the late arrival of the Penzance to Edinburgh service, some three weeks late. The operator, Deutsche Bank Securities (trains) GmbH, apologised to the surviving passengers for the delay and promised compensation (in line with the Passengers Charter) of a can of diet Coke and one small packet of plain crisps.	As the story of the tragedy unfolded, it became clear that outbreaks of cannibalism amongst passengers had been on a small scale until the second week spent shunted up a siding just outside Birmingham New Street. Post facto justifications of the eating of each other developed in the third week with the creation of an elaborate religious system of belief requiring human sacrifice and a quick warm through in the microwave. Waiting anthropologists at Edinburgh Waverley have offered counselling to the suspiciously sleek and stuffed looking remaining passengers to help them re-integrate into a society where intra-species mastication is generally frowned on.
Inside: Failure of turkeys to vote for an early Xmas ignored again this year.
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