|
July
2008
Scotland's
shipyards to share in yet another exercise in empty, expensive,
symbolism
With
squaddies in current action suffering from equipment shortages,
the government this week commissioned two aircraft carriers which
won't enter service until 2014, by which time the squaddies should
have received trifling fripperies like supplies of body armour and
those pointy things that go bang when you shoot them out of a gun.
Labour's
"Lost Weekend" : dust cloud settles as candidates vanish
In
what is being widely seen as a portent of things to come, Labour
candidates for The Glasgow East by-election are somewhat rarer than
evidence of dental formations present in the mandibles of the genus
gallus domesticus.
Lib
Dem Leadership Election : your cut out and throw away guide to the
likely candidates in the race no-one's talking about!
With
Scottish Lib Dem leader Nicol Stephen resigning to the post to "spend
more time with his family" (no, really), The JT asks: what
are the likely contenders to replace Mr Stephen really like?
June
2008
"Ashes
to ashes, cash to cash"
City
of Despondency, Toilet by The Tay, Village of the Damned, yes, let's
face it Dundee normally gets a bad press. Which makes it all the,
er, betterer, to announce a good news story about the city.
"Primark's
having a sale! Primark's having a sale!"
Despite
economic slowdown, predictions of widespread social unrest and food
shortages, a new report finds UK consumer spending reaching new
highs with Scotland leading the way.
Toys,
racket
and wrist bands thrown out of pram
The
sound of bedroom doors being slammed in a theatrical fashion were
expected in the Murray household this week following a slight difference
of opinion. Andy Murray's Mum doesn't reckon on The Sulky One's
chances at Wimbledon, while He Of The Petted Lip reckons he can
lift the prized trophy thing for winning the singles.
Links
we like
Welcome
again fellow link likers. Just a few choice offerings this week,
two supplied by far-flung readers of the journal we are pleased
to describe as The JT. More of them later, but first…
Minister
calls for day to celebrate "England and those other bits tacked
on to England"
As
the Westminster Government continues to flog the dead horse that
is "Britishness", immigration minister Liam Byrne called
this week for a celebration of the elusive concept on the August
bank holiday.
"You're
my beshtest First Mate you are": re-branding ahoy as nuclear
sub gets all scraped
Following
the collision between Faslane-based nuclear sub HMS Superb and a
submerged reef in The Red Sea, The Navy has played down media speculation
that the helmsman might have been (ahem) "somewhat refreshed".
Euro
2008: entire nation to suffer existential crisis or something…
Tragically,
events have conspired to ensure that there's very little reason
for us Scots to pay much attention to the Euros just kicked off
- that's right, England haven't qualified.
May
2008
Editorial
and Scots on the Box, all mixed up together
How
the hell are you? God, you look great! Have you lost weight? You
look fantastic! That shade really suits you, honestly.
Wendy
promises daily delivery of toe-curlingly awful clichés
After
yet another stunningly successful political week, Wendy Alexander
has promised to treat us to daily deliveries from her seemingly
inexhaustible supply of political clichés.
Solar
power on The Clyde: "investors urged to put entire life savings
on it now!"
Giant
"lilypads" could be soon floating in the Clyde using the
sun's power to generate energy! That's the confident prediction
of Glasgow-based boffins.
In
the Country of Fife, the blind driver is king
Brave blind rally driver, Ben-Jack Shaw, planned a guided spin around
Fife's Knockhill circuit last week before being presented with an
award from Fife police.
April
2008
Cultural
commentators fail to correctly forecast exact nature of likely disturbance
Fans of the Leeds popular beat combo The Kaiser Chiefs were up in
arms this week when it was revealed just where the band were planning
to play warm-up gigs this summer.
Royal
Bank of Scotland crisis : bank to send threatening letter to itself
As
the Royal Bank finds itself caught up in the world-wide credit crisis,
executives at the institution formerly known as a license to make
money are steeling themselves to receive a threatening letter sent
by themselves to themselves.
Salmond
entrances conference with new policy directions, six-gun display
SNP
party leader Alex Salmond capitivated delegates to the party's spring
conference this week with a whole new raft of policy announcements
and a bravura demonstration of his skill with a brace of .45 Colt
Peacemakers.
Links
we like
Rick-rolling, Conservative merchandise and a
Half Life
nasty thin
Referendum
okayed by Trent after "no nigras" assurances given
In no way desperate to get an interview with anybody, just anybody,
while covering Scotland Week in the US, BBC Scotland hack Glen Campbell
managed to get ex-Senator Trent Lott in front of a microphone.
"Twinning
arrangement" taxes Texan travellers looking for "downtown"
West Lothian
It was confused faces all round this week when visitors from
Grapevine, Texas came to Scotland looking for the "town"
of West Lothian.
HPV
Programme - will it encourage women not to die?
While most sane people welcome the news that the NHS is to make
HPV (human papillomavirus) vaccination available to protect girls
against ovarian cancer in Scotland, there are already worries that
the programme of vaccination might encourage women not to die.
Scots
on the box
"The Man Who Cycled the World, BBC2 Scotland , 7pm, 7th and
8th April continuing next week.
The Shannon Matthews case: continuing for the foreseeable future.
March
2008
Fir
Hill fur thrills, Fir Park fur mud : marketing opportunity ahoy!
With Motherwell FC struggling to play any football this season on
the ploo'd park that is their ground, Club chairman, John Boyle
may have come up with a way out.
"Halfwits
must have free vote" halfwit-in-chief asserts
Cardinal Keith O'Brien, heid bummer of The One Truth Church in Scotland,
has called on Labour MPs to be allowed a free vote in the upcoming
embryology bill going through Westminster.
"Fat,
dumb and happy" : shock new report
A report published this week revealed the shock finding that at
over 160 Scots are content to live off state benefits, refuse offers
of work and talk bollocks in public!
On
radical change…
As a service to readers, we here word-check Wendy Alexander's policy
paper "Change is what we do", to be presented to the Scottish
Labour Party Conference.
Naked
surfer film burned, naked surfers to receive psychiatric help
Never
have our crivvens been so comprehensively jingsed, or has our boabs
been previously found in such dire need of help! Ladies, avert your
gaze, for we are about to talk about the bodies of naked men
Squaddie
to insist he be treated like just like any other average person
who's third in line to the throne
Following Prince
Harry's deployment in Afghanistan, Private Hughie McPherson, Argyll
and Sutherland Higlanders Battalion of the Royal Regiment of Scotland
will now insist that he not be given any special treatment either.
Scots
on the box: "Empty". BBC 2, Thursdays, 100pm. Waiting
for The Punch line
Someone once said, actually I think it might have been me come
to think of it, that Gregor "Rab C Nesbitt" Fisher was
born to play two roles. Either of the two leads in Waiting For Godot
(not fussed which) and the Cowardly Lion in The Wizard of Oz. Well,
I think "Empty" ticks the Beckett box
February
2008
Senior
police "baffled" by loss of £120K
Senior police
officers at Lothian and Borders confessed themselves "baffled"
last night at the removal of £120K from force coffers.
White
stag "freaking out" normal stags
While
animal lovers reacted with delight last week following the filming
of a rare white stag, other stags in the area aren't too pleased.
Forth
Rail Bridge paint job finishes : search for new simile begins
Engineers working on the historic Forth Railway Bridge confirmed
this week that it will no longer be necessary to continuously re-paint
the iconic structure.
"Postman
Pissed" fined, banned, put on shortlist for Nobel prize for
fiction
It is a rare
privilege to be able to introduce a major creative talent to the
wider world but such is your editor's privilege today.
Yes,
truly up you could not make it as we retail here the recent court
case of postman William Harvey.
Links
we like
A bit of a mixed bag this week, links fans. A mix of the usual and
weird, and the unusual, weird and disturbing, but we'll come to
that later.
January
2008
Donald
Trump: "Alex Salmond, an amazing man and totally my bitch"
Curiously
coiffured gazillionaire Donald Trump paid fulsome tribute to First
Minister Alex Salmond this week, describing him as, "an amazing
man and totally my bitch."
Salt
spoilsports set scrimping sodium safety standards so spoiling savouring
severely sautéed spud scran
A
council has urged local chip shops to cut back on the salt they
put on chips after a survey found huge discrepancies in the amounts
being used.
BBC News OL, 28th January, 2008.
Mystic
Browne says: "No more resignations." Correct Lottery numbers
to follow
Part-time
Scottish Secretary Des Browne was in town this week assuring the
waiting media that no Labour ministers north or south of the border
will resign anytime soon.
Links
we like
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over
a snowsuit, you may live in Canada
New
Forth Bridge : 100% rise in not-going-anywhereness
With
high winds again closing the existing Forth Road Bridge this week,
The Scottish government defended its choice of a new bridge, promising
that the proposed crossing would offer travellers fresh opportunities
in not-going-anywhereness.
Ruby
Murray chef ban continues while monolingual mince maestro directed
through green channel
Deeply-embedded,
well-loved aspects of Scottish culinary culture were under threat
this week as it was revealed that government immigration policy
was threatening that ancient Scottish dish - the Ruby Murray.
"It's
Scotland's Radioactive Rubbish!" "That oil slogan was
getting so old" says SNP
In
what is seen as being a sure vote-winner, the SNP have thrown out
the old "It's Scotland's Oil!" slogan replacing with the
much more up-to-date "It's Scotland's Radioactive Rubbish!"
"It's
being so cheerful" etc. : Year of Highland Culture ends, decades
of tornfaced moaning continue
With
the Year of Highland Culture safely consigned to the dustbin of
history, our Highland communities can now get back to what they
enjoy best - moaning their tits off.
Why
not have a rummage in the archives? 2006
2005 2004 2003
2002 2001
2000
|
