A movement spokesmaddie told the JT: "Our movement's opposition to the scrapping of Clause 28 was pivotal in assuring that the Clause was scrapped and so er, that just goes to show that erm, we're very important so we are..."

Movement sources were forced to admit this week that despite close monitoring there had not been a discernable increase in schoolkid gayness since the homophobic legislation had been repealed, but sources insisted that it would only be a matter of time before whole swathes of teenagers embraced a mincing, limp wristed lifestyle and western civilisation immediately ended.

The new campaign targeted against sex education was not unexpected says Professor Beaker, head of solar studies at Edinburgh. "There's a clear correlation between solar flaring at this time of year and an upsurge amongst the Christian right of prurient interest in other people's sex lives. I expect this present phase to peak sometime around late December when a bit of mumbo jumbo over the Xmas period will take their minds off it for a day or so."

The movement's spokesmaddie rejected claims that there was something inherently fuckin' weird about Christians' obsessive interest in sexual regulation. "Nonsense, we simply want to protect our children from brainwashing by single-minded so-called "educationalists" - everyone knows that brainwashing should be carried out in the context of a caring yet disciplined Christian household far from the prying eyes of do-gooder social workers …"