Dear Mr Windsor,

The First Minister has asked me to respond to the concerns raised in your last letter.

1. Under current legislation there is no provision for the granting of monies to completely double-glaze Balmoral. The First Minister thanks you for enclosing the estimate from CR Smith but regrets that current budgetary rules do not allow the Executive to pay for half of the work - even if your mother is an OAP.

2. Current agricultural support runs at some £6 billion per annum on a UK wide basis and it is unlikely that this figure would be uplifted if landowners in Scotland were to follow your suggestion and declare themselves homosexual and black.

4. While in accord with the view that many of Scotland’s high-rise flats are "ugly and depressing", the First Minister asks you to note current rules do not allow us to "tear them all down" without decanting the tenants into alternative accommodation first.

5. While noting your declared intention to move abroad and spend your life skiing if fox hunting is banned in England, the First Minister would like to point out the following (a) Scotland is not "abroad" (b) Fox hunting is already banned here and (c) All ski resorts in Scotland will unfortunately completely disappear this year due a set of unforeseen and totally inexplicable circumstances.

I hope these responses go someway to alleviating the anxieties apparent in your last letter and the Minister has asked me to enclose some brochures outlining the many opportunities available to the over-50s thanks to the enlightened employment policies operated by B & Q.