Walrus-tusked Esther
Rantzen was reportedly devastated this week by follow-up reports on the couple producing
giant vegetables on a hillside near Blairgowrie.A clearly upset, blubbing convincingly,
Ms Rantzen told the JT: "I’d just about talked the BBC into bringing back my 70s
ratings hit "That’s Life" and the initial report about the vegetables
would’ve closed the deal."
Indeed, as people who were actually alive at the time, and smug
post-modernist-media-studies-students who weren’t, will doubtless recall, it was a
feature of Esther’s weekly offering to hold up a carrot that looked a bit like a
penis and invite the studio audience to scream with hysterical laughter.
One of Esther’s production team rushed up to Blairgowrie hoping to film footage of
potatoes resembling testicles, cauliflowers, that if you squinted really hard, might look
a bit like tits and some unidentifiable legume that in the right light bears a passing
resemblance to a set of lady bits.
Alas, all the team member found was a load of vegetables that were disappointingly
normal apart from being bigger.
The gardener responsible for the super-vegetables told The JT: "The young man
seemed very disappointed and said that there wasn’t any real light entertainment
value in vegetables that were just big. And then he left taking his camera crew with
him."
Which was a pity since a bare five minutes after he departed, all the giant vegetables
uprooted themselves and ambled down to the pub.
