| In the face of the continuing
crisis in Scottish tourism at least one American visitor refuses to be put off - Alvin
Alvinator, veteran Nessie hunter will be setting up his camper van on the shores of the
loch this summer as usual. Mr Alvinator, resident of
Cow's Arse, Iowa, is a long term summer institution by the loch shore, with his thirty-two
foot "Terminator" class Winnebago a talking point amongst other drivers trying
to get around it without crashing into the 900-foot deep dark waters of the loch. "No
sir," Mr Alvinator told the JT, "this Foot and Mouth business don't bother me
none, I change my socks every day and brush my teeth between meals, I'll be just
fine."
The Loch Ness monster was not directly available for
comment but close friends confirmed that he would spend the summer as usual trying to
evade the tiresome attentions of "that little American tit and his bloody
sonar."
Meanwhile, Henry McLeish, in New York this week to drum up
business for the Scottish tourist industry, spoke of his love for the Big Apple and his
intention to settle in the vibrant US city."I'll no be coming back," he told the
JT, "I love the cosmopolitan atmosphere here, the clubs, the galleries, hooses with
wheels and everything, it's light years better than 'beath, I'll tell you that.." |
The First Minister plans to rent
a loft apartment in Greenwich Village and affect a goatee. Mr McLeish came under fire for describing the ongoing Foot and Mouth epidemic as
a "little problem" to his US hosts. At home, opposition politicians were
quick to criticise his comments, a spokeshack told the JT: "Here's the First Minister
underplaying the crisis while trying to drum up tourist business, it's totally
unacceptable to assure potential visitors that Scotland's OK to visit while erm, the
reality is so different er, he should be telling them that Scotland's a plague-infested
hell hole, oh hang on a minute, then they wouldn't visit would they? Fuck it, I've got
myself all mixed up..."
Shir Sean Connery, script speaker and professional Scotsman
appealed to foreign visitors to visit Scotland. "I would appeal to tourists to
visit Scotland as often as I do - for up to a fortnight in a given tax year."
On a lighter note, the BBC confirmed today that the entire
cast, crew and writers of Monarch of the Glen had been humanely destroyed following a
porcine related outbreak of AHD. Appalling Ham Disease is a distressing
condition,-distressing that is to anyone forced to watch MOTG.
|
