| In a week when the
British Heart Foundation reported that Viking DNA is responsible for the Scots' genetic
propensity to experience a sharp stabbing pain, grab their chest and go "aargh",
the JT can exclusively reveal a little known Norse saga that explains it all.. The Voyage of King Harald
the Fat
"And it came to pass that King Harald the Fat
set sail from the Northlands to make war on the people to the south.
And many were the days that the brave dragon-prowed
ships pushed south guided only by the North Star and a map out of the IKEA catalogue and
the King became angry with hunger and said of the fleet's provisions "take these
barrels of pickled herring and shove them, for I'm sick to the back teeth of eating
fuckin' salty fish, and you can tip those bloody crispbread things as well."
And King Harald called upon his cook to set a
cauldron of oil boiling so that he might partake of hunners of chips.
And after many days and nights Harald's force made
landfall on Orkney and his men laid waste to the land, making sarcastic comments about the
locals' taste in home furnishings while Harald set off on his own seeking the Holy Grail,
the Kirkwall Kebab Kafe. And many were the doner kebabs he consumed while dumping the side
salad declaring that "tomatoes and cucumbers are pish."
And Harald was minded to spare the burning of the
Kirkwall Monastery for he had tasted the monkish mead and found it good, especially after
gubbing the second barrel. And then, fully gassed, King Harald pleasured
himself with Aggie No Drawers, the local hing oot, and thus his fat bastard seed became
spread amongst the Scots."
And that conveniently explains why we Scots
don't need to bother about eating and drinking sensibly because it's all in the genes and
whit's fur ye'll no go by ye... |
