| "We want Waverley station to
be a world class place to stand waiting around for a train." That was the upbeat
message from transport minister Wendy Alexander on the news that the government is to
spend millions upgrading the capital's main railway station. "From
now on" the minister promised, "Those hours spent hanging around for your train
will be enriched by a whole new range of retailing experiences," she told the JT,
calling from her ministerial limo as it crested M8 beauty spot Harthill.
Plans are already in place to completely redesign the station, with new emphasis
being place on passenger comfort. Passengers arriving from the south will alight on
platforms embossed with gold leaf and a fleet of hansom cabs will whisk our incoming
southern cousins away to an attractive selection of five star hotels. |
Passengers travelling within
Scotland will benefit too from a simplified destination board system. Instead of a
confusing array of multiple destinations elsewhere in Scotland, passengers will simply buy
an all purpose ticket for "Not Edinburgh" and experience the thrill of not
knowing where they'll end up. As part of the Scottish Executive's plan to
forge links with Glasgow, incoming trains from the Western metropolis will be met with a
sign welcoming "Foul-smelling slum dwellers" to the capital. Bewildered weegies
will be processed through a special unit, removing any money from them before being herded
back onto the next Glasgow bound train.
A station spokesservicedelayed told the JT "The new-look station will
reflect Edinburgh's commitment to providing a first class service to places that matter,
like London for example and erm, other places as well, probably..." he trailed off
convincingly. |
