| A contrite Wendy Alexander this
week apologised for failing to stand as First Minister and revealed her reasons for not
seeking nomination. Speaking exclusively to the JT the erstwhile Minister
for Miracles spoke tearfully of her regret at totally fucking up at least two half decent
gags published on these august pages. "I realise" she said begging for
forgiveness "that my decision not to seek nomination made a complete arse up of the
JT's weekly dig at the nation's movers and indeed shakers and I can only hope that the
editor of the JT can find it in his heart to forgive me."
The said editor could not be contacted for comment but his significant other
told a waiting world media : "he's still in the huff and the family cat has
taken the precaution of joining the Taliban and moving to Afghanistan where it's
safer."
Ms Alexander, heartbroken at the rebuff nevertheless revealed
the real reason for not seeking the top job."It’s the turn of Douglas for a shot
of our brain." |
Ms Alexander explained that she and
her sibling take turns sharing a single brain on a six monthly rotation and it was now the
turn of her Westminster based brother. "Douglas has been lying slumped in the corner
of his office for six months dribbling down his front and the cleaner is getting really
hacked off having to hoover around him" Revealing to the JT that her
head does in fact button up the back, Ms Alexander removed her own brain and the vital
organ was dispatched via courier for immediate implant in her sibling's gaping gap.
While the lack of a brain might have inconvenienced other less synaptically
gifted individuals, Ms Alexander confirmed that she would still be able to make
interminable, bone achingly dull speeches to people who couldn't run away. "Burbling
on about cognate skill sets for half an hour is a complete no-brainer" she drooled
convincingly. |
