| In a typically brave and innovative
move, Ann Widdecombe addressing representatives at the Tory Conference at Bournemouth,
promised that the new £100 spot fine for possession would plug the glaring gap in Tory
spending plans. Pausing only to regurgitate the odd herring, Ms
Widdecombe entertained assembled Tories with a barnstorming performance, effortlessly
balanced a beach ball on her nose and played "God Save the Queen" on an array of
old car horns.
The well thought out plan to bust half the population of these islands would,
Mad Ann insisted, provide the incoming Tory government with a revenue stream.
"Consider this" she squawked attractively,
"Forty percent of people between the ages of 18 and 30 regularly use cannabis…If
we can bust 10 million of these degenerates a week then that's a billion quid" she
asserted, |
pausing only to check the figures
using a brightly coloured circus calculator prop that made hilarious honking noises. Ms
Widdecombe did make other remarks but her hysterical squeaking noises could only be heard
by bats.
Following the triumphant conference, Scottish Tories headed homeward, newly
invigorated by William Hague's closing speech, promising higher public spending with funds
provided by the benevolent rulers of Planet Zog.
Many Scottish Tories managed to drive out of Bournemouth all by themselves
before becoming confused by all the traffic. Nice, polite young policemen herded them all
on to a bus and took them back to their gigantic nursing home, also known as rural
Perthshire.
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